


Second Chances

by JMoonrise



Category: Glee
Genre: F/F, Family, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Forgiveness, Gen, Happy Ending, Love, Second Chances, Teen Angst, Teenage Drama, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-20
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2020-03-08 19:43:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18901372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JMoonrise/pseuds/JMoonrise
Summary: Second chances don't come around every day. Although by her count this is more like a fourth chance. It isn't conventional, but she will do anything to get the girl this time.





	1. Chapter 1

Colors burned brightly as they flared up into the night sky with an exploding sound. They gave life to a nearly invisible sky as they ushered in another year; a reminder that time did in fact move forward. Each firework burst into the air, bursting and searing their vibrant color into the mind and eyes of every person watching the display.

Behind me, I could hear the sounds of a raging party. In the past I might've joined in on the festivities, but these days I had far too many regrets to really enjoy anything especially a holiday involving celebrating the passage of time.

My eyes strayed to the pile of magazines strewn across the small table adorning my terrace. It was a major part of why I wasn't inside with all of my guests. I couldn't bare to be around everyone while they were happy and gushing about all the wonderful things they would do this year. The magazines served as a personal reminder of all my mistakes and missed opportunities. My inability to admit the truth to myself and everybody for so long cost me dearly, and I was finally facing the repercussions for my inaction.

On top of those magazines was a carefully written wedding invitation with gold leaf foil as the future bride was on the decadent side. The invitation served as a huge slap in the face. Feelings of anger, insecurity, and ultimately loneliness accompanied that ice cold slap.

I knew one day my time would run out, but I hadn't imagined it would occur so soon, or maybe I simply deluded myself into believing I had more time.

I tiredly pressed the palms of my hands into my eyes to prevent the onslaught of more tears. I had already reapplied my make-up earlier to conceal puffy eyes and red cheeks. The magazine somehow made me feel worse than the stupid invitation. It was there for everyone to see and hit me harder than I expected.

For someone my age, I had a severely long list of mistakes and horrible deeds. I wasn't sure what made me believe I even had a chance when I had shown at every turn I was a coward. I never had the courage to step up and admit to my feelings, and here I was finally too late to do anything about them. I wondered bitterly if this was how my mother felt.

With a deep sigh, I turned to look out onto the calm waves of the ocean, wishing I could float away with the tide. I watched as the water lapped at the shore. The sound of the water soothed me and provided a simple distraction from the tragedy that was my life.

By most people's standards I should be happy. I was an award winning actress and was a front runner for Academy nominations in a few weeks. All of that was relative when I considered how empty my life was. Most of the trashy tabloids and even the magazines I occasionally allowed to interview me knew very little about my personal life. I was elusive and reclusive, and preferred to keep my life private. It only added to the speculation about me, which in turn created more buzz. The worst part was they all thought I was hiding a secret lover or marriage when the opposite was true.

Deep down I was lonely. People stared at my photographs and marveled over my bone structure or the color of my eyes, they never noticed the longing in my eyes for more than the frivolity my life provided. They didn't see the sorrow embedded in the lines of my face, nor did they detect how my smiles never reached my eyes. I learned from my father perception was everything, and people never really saw things as they were.

I leaned onto the railing, shivering slightly as the night air hit my skin. My thoughts were running rampant as they were wont to do when I was alone. My closest friends would say I had far too much time on my hands between projects to think and my thoughts often got me into more trouble.

This time they were reminded me of all the changes happening in my friends lives, while mine was in a deep freeze. I was stuck and they were moving forward, faster than I could keep up. My life was stagnant. I was aware I had no one but myself to blame for how my life was turning out, but when you wanted something, like truly wanted something or someone I should say, it was hard to just move on.

It wasn't as if I spent all these years pining after someone who didn't want me. In fact, I tried dating multiple people. I cultivated a bit of a player image when I first started in Hollywood, but all those relationships ultimately failed as I could never be truly intimate with anyone. Sex was easy. It was physical and primal; feelings were an entirely different matter. They required trust in your partner. I was too uncomfortable to share the sins of my past.

All of my former girlfriends berated me time and again for being emotionally distant and refusing to share anything beyond the shallow stuff. There wasn't much left to say after that. They would cross their arms expectantly and raise a brow indicating it was now or never, and I clammed up unable to do as they asked. I cared for them. Love was not within my grasp. They were all nice, yet there was something missing. I couldn't explain it if I tried.

In previous relationships when I still pretended I was into guys, I easily controlled the relationship and avoided discussing things like feelings. My boyfriends didn't ask so I never felt obligated to share much. Even Sam as sweet and naïve as he was far more interested in making out and getting to second base than hearing about my pregnancy or my sad, pathetic home life. My mom tried. Bless her heart, she really did. It was just hard after my dad left.

.All of my girlfriends assumed there was someone else, someone who ruined for anyone else. They all cursed her and told me she deserved to rot for what she had done to me. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at the sentiment as I didn't feel entirely deserving of it.

There was someone. I could've had a chance with her, but like with everything in my life I blew it.

In the beginning, I hadn't realized how much she had gotten under my skin until one day I found myself doodling her name in my college notebooks. I was distracted during class, which wasn't an unusual occurrence. Writing Rachel Berry's name however was new.

At the end of our senior year I bought metro passes for the two of us. New Haven and New York were a few hours away by train and I figured at least I wouldn't be completely alone. I extended friendship to her even though it terrified me. I hadn't discovered the reason why she scared me, why every time she offered me friendship I threw it back in her face. I ran. Then the one time I didn't, she forgot about me.

Her life in New York was far too glamorous for some girl she was barely friends with in high school. It pained me more than I imagined. Thinking about her caused my heart to race and my lungs to constrict painfully.

It took years to train myself not to react when I heard her name or saw her face. After college, I tried to rekindle whatever it was we had between us, and failed miserably. It was the final straw for me. I decided to pick up everything and move to sunny L.A. I figured Hollywood was as good of place as any to start an acting career.

Everyone wanted something from me, but not Rachel Fucking Berry, never her. She was different than everyone else. She had no expectations, and was never too disappointed when I reverted to my former self as if it was what she expected of me all along.

The quiet pad of footsteps alerted me to a presence behind me. I didn't need to turn around to know who it was. It was my best friend, second in command, frenemy and everything in-between. The one person who knew what it was like to hate yourself, but remained too scared to change because of what others would think. Santana Lopez understood me, Quinn Fabray, in a way many people did not, could not. She never judged because she had either done something as bad or worse.

"What are you doing out here alone Q?" There was an undercurrent of concern lacing her tone.

I was silent for a moment. I knew it unnerved her. My silence never boded well for most people, especially when we were ruling the halls of McKinley. I turned to her and saw the reflection of the fireworks in her dark eyes. I saw the worry she normally attempted to hide from me. Her and Brittany weren't very good at it as I had caught them a few times discuss me and my sad state.

"S, I'm not really in the mood to talk."

Usually that enough for her to let it go, but it seemed tonight was the night where she had enough of my deflection when a topic was uncomfortable.

I knew she saw the magazines and the invitation, and it didn't take her long to figure out what sent me out here. I avoided looking at her because I didn't want her sympathy. I wasn't someone to be pitied. "Q-"

"Don't."

She sighed and took her position beside me. "It's about her, huh?"

She learned over the years it was best to avoid saying her name lest she wanted to send me into a downward spiral where I sobbed and sobbed until I fell asleep. I had come home once to find them watching the Tony's live. It was poor timing on my part as they announced Rachel as the winner of best actress in a musical. I fell to my knees and wept as she had actually done what she set out to do despite all the obstacles in her way. She was living her life.

I nodded.

"I don't know what to tell you." I snorted. "I've never been in this sort of situation. While I've done a lot of fucked up shit in my time, I can say I haven't tried to break up an engaged couple."

I brushed away a single tear. "No you haven't done that." I wouldn't either. I couldn't. She deserved to be happy. "She looks happy."

Santana caught the wistfulness in my voice. "I wonder sometimes if we had been less insecure in high school if we would've been happier."

"Probably a lot less repressed. Sometimes I look back and think I was so gay for her, but denied it out of sheer stubbornness. I was holding onto this unobtainable image of a perfect Christian girl. God!"

If anyone understood, it was her. She had been through something similar and for a long time didn't speak to her Abuela because of her refusal to accept Santana's sexuality. It took a lot of time and phone calls for them to fully repair their relationship after Santana and Brittany's wedding. They were the lucky ones who knew all along where they wanted to be. I envied them that.

"I want to be happy and I want her to be happy." I cried. I was sure my face was a mess of dark streaks, but I didn't care. I was beyond that perfect image garbage. "It's crazy to recognize as far back as our first Nationals I had feelings for her."

"Really?" I hadn't divulged much about it with her. It was difficult to talk about.

"Yeah, it was watching Finn kiss her that it truly hit me the reason why I had been so angry after Regionals. She wanted him and not me. It wasn't her I was jealous of, it was him. He had her and he never made her first priority. I watched her pine after a guy who never what he wanted. He almost dragged her down with him."

I saw her wince at the reminder of the shit show that was our senior year. That time was somewhat hazy for me after all those weeks in the hospital and all of the physical therapy to regain the ability to walk.

"Sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago. I can hardly believe she was almost a child bride."

I bit my lip to hide my giggles. "Hardly," I scoffed.

"She was seventeen and just barely past her birthday when he asked her. He was just holding onto her because he had nothing else. The one decent thing he did for her was to let her go when he did."

I couldn't agree more.

While Finn was a good guy, he wasn't right for her in the end. He didn't care about anyone's dreams but his own as evidenced by him asking a New York bound Rachel to marry him. He had her so screwed up by promising her to do it all together. They would've been stuck in Lima together. He would've dragged her down with him as he had no direction..

"I wish I could go back to Nationals before I went all crazy. I would confess to her why I did the things I did and tell her it was never about Finn for me. She thought I hated her and wanted Finn back." I let out a hollow chuckle at the thought. "Too bad there are no redo's in life." I turned away from her to stare at the water once again. "Go back to Britt, I'll only be out here a little longer." I wanted a little more time to myself to wallow in self pity. I would be fine tomorrow. Maybe.

I felt her sympathetic gaze before she went back inside, but did my best to ignore it. I knew she wanted a way to help, but there was no easy fix to this one. I squandered my chances a long time ago and it was time to live with them.

My arms rested on the railing once more as I inhaled the salty air. _This year my New Year's resolution is to fall in love. It may not be her, but I don't want to be alone any longer. I just want to feel love._

* * *

I squinted my eyes at the overwhelming brightness in my room, wondering how I forgot to shut the curtains the previous night. The rapping on my door was the reason for my wakefulness as I usually slept late unless I was required early on set. "Go away Santana," I grumbled unhappily, burrowing my face in my pillows.

I wasn't in the mood for more of her pity talks. I had to accept that Rachel Berry was getting married and figure out how to move on with my own life in the process. I was a big girl.

"Honey," I fell out of my bed.

"Mom?" I rubbed my face, wondering exactly how many drinks I had the night before. There was a twinge in my shin as I walked over to the door and pulled it open. I must've been dreaming as a younger version of my mother was revealed to me.

Her hair was still blonde with carefully hidden greys unlike the version of her I was most accustomed to in the future. Confusion clouded my head as I tried to figure out what was happening. There was also that sadness in her eyes. It had been there ever since my dad revealed his true colors and left.

It went away when she met her second husband. He brought the light back to her life.

She stood there awkwardly, and I recalled this was the rebuilding time of our relationship. Things were uncomfortable between us as we re-established our relationship. "Honey, you overslept." I nodded dumbly, unsure about what she was talking about. I couldn't remember my dreams being this vivid in the past. "I know things aren't… the best between us at the moment, but I do care." Again I nodded. "Anyways with that said, I think you said you had a morning practice for Nationals coming up in a bit."

My mouth fell open as she rambled. I blinked and shook my head. "Wait… did you say Nationals?"

She looked at me strangely as if I were sick. "Yes I know it was a weird week last week for both of us, but you only have three more days before you leave for New York. And when you get back, we have to start planning for college next year. You'll be a senior in a few months Quinnie, and I want you to have every opportunity."

_This cannot be happening. Wishes don't actually come true. Do they? There was no way in hell I had gone back to my junior year._

"Breakfast is almost done, so hurry before you're late."

"Okay mom." I did as my mother asked and got ready for school. It felt weird wearing clothes I hadn't worn since before college again. The next several years involved a lot of experimenting with my look and figuring out what I liked. The first of my senior year and most of the summer prior to it, I cringed when I thought about it. I was never meant for the punk lifestyle. Perhaps that was something I could avoid this go around. The tattoo was an even bigger mistake, I eventually had removed.

I glanced around my childhood bedroom until I found my calendar. Prom was circled, and I grimaced at the thought. I was marking off days until Nationals. My mom said it was in three days.

The weeks leading up to our departure were filled with angst, drama, jealousy, and strife as we easily turned on one another. One of the issues of our club was how we easily allowed our relationships to impact our group dynamic. Mr. Schuester was usually oblivious to what was happening when he handed out our assignments, and it wasn't until later on that he seemed to understand something serious was happening.

As I squeezed my eyes shut trying to remember the specifics of this time, it hit me that Finn would've just broke up with, which means Coach Sylvester's sister recently died.

I was over Finn, but that didn't stop the feelings of anger at being dumped. He was delusional as he spouted all that crap about he and Rachel being 'tethered'. She shared with me during our senior year her uncertainty regarding her relationship with him. After he passed, she confided in me she knew they couldn't have been destined. They were on two different paths and had been for some time. They were to scared to admit what they both knew to be true.

After I deemed myself good enough to go to school, I finally left the confines of my bedroom. The smell of bacon permeated the air and caused my stomach to growl. No one could get the bacon as crispy as my mother, although Santana did try.

It was easy to forget with all the distance between us how much I missed my mom. With all of my projects, there was little time for downtime to visit. When I did come home, my mom commented on how thin I was and did her best to stuff me full. When she visited, she froze meals for me so that she knew I was getting a proper meal. I loved her for it.

"Smells good," I said as I walked into the kitchen.

My mom beamed at me from her position at the stove. "I can't let my Quinnie go to school without a decent breakfast." My face warmed at the nickname. It had been a while since she had used it as I begged her to stop using it. It was so embarrassing, and never failed to make Santana laugh and mock me.

I was overwhelmed with gratitude and love for my mother. What I hadn't recognized was how much she was trying and I never gave her a chance, still too bitter about the events of the previous year.

She was surprised when I rushed forward and threw my arms around her. Tentatively, her arms wrapped around me, holding me close. I pulled back shyly, toeing the floor.

"Okay," she cleared her throat. "Why don't you go sit at the table? I'm almost done."

I swallowed the lump in my throat and nodded. Mornings like this between us were rare. Neither of us were willing to step out of our comfort zones in fear of destroying what little we managed to rebuild.

When mom was done, she joined me at the table with bacon and eggs on our plates. There was a pile of toast in the middle. When I was a kid, breakfast was an important time for our family. We each talked about what our day would entail and wished one another luck. My dad would kiss all of us before leaving for work. I sighed as those days were long gone.

"So what do you guys have prepared for your competition?" She hadn't taken much interest outside of attending regionals the previous year. I knew she was still hesitant to show up at any of my performances.

Outwardly I smiled, but inwardly groaned as this was always a point of contention for our club during our mini reunions. When we got caught up in our nostalgia, it always landed back on those first two years where we struggled in our preparation.

Mr. Schue was great but a planner he was not. "Uh… we are doing something original. Mr. Schue thought it would be best after the outcome of Regionals."

If only I could talk to him. We wasted a lot of time in New York. I agreed we didn't deserve to win. We weren't prepared. Finn kissed Rachel and she let him too caught up in trying to live out her high school romantic dreams. It was a shit show.

"I'll see you after rehearsal mom. Is there anything you need me to get?"

She shook her head. "No, I'll run to the store later after I run my errands. You have a good day at school sweetheart."

"Thanks mom, love you." I didn't stay as I knew she would get all teary. I hadn't said it to her since I came back home.

I stopped short at my red Bug. At the sight of my first car, my leg had a phantom twinge. The accident was a little less than a year out, but hopefully I wouldn't be anywhere near that intersection on that day.

* * *

McKinley High looked the same as ever. It had changes in recent years under Mr. Schue's administration. About a year after the dedication, they expanded the auditorium.

As I stared at my former classmates, it hit me how young everyone was. I hadn't gone to my ten year reunion. It would've been a circus and I didn't want to see most of those people anyways. I hadn't been kind to many of them, and I knew there would've been a lot of whispering about me behind my back.

The few visits to my mother over the years helped me recognize a couple of the kids, but most of them were unknown to me. I hadn't cared much about anyone beyond Cheerios, Glee, and some of the other sports teams. It sucked to know how truly shallow I was at this age.

I knew most of these kids would never leave. The Glee club was quick to leave the confines of this oppressive town, and many of them had gone on to do big things. It was mentioned in several interviews about my close friendships with Mercedes, Brittany, and Santana. Glee club helped launch us all into who we were supposed to be and taught us that our dreams weren't so unattainable.

Entering the school brought back a lot of memories, many of them weren't good. A cold shiver ran through my as I saw kids carrying slushies. It horrified me to think I ever participated in such a vulgar ritual.

There were two and a half weeks of school left so people were less frantic than usual to get to class. We were mostly doing end of the year reviews or watching movies until our time ran out.

I'd had the same locker all four years because of my position with the Cheerios. I pulled out the schedule I printed to assist me with my classes and my locker combo when something caught my eye.

I swear I had a sixth sense for her.

It was Rachel and she was alone. Finn was still figuring out how to get her to see they were great together, but she wasn't giving him the time of day as of yet.

"Hi Rachel," I called out.

She faltered and some stupid jock came running around the corner, knocking her over. It was partially my fault for surprising her as I knew she thought I was still angry about being dumped and the whole prom fiasco. "You're such an asshole Azimio. Get out of here," I barked at him as he and his cronies laughed.

I still held enough power around these halls to be taken seriously. "Are you okay Rach?"

Rachel blinked at me warily as she glanced around us. "Uh Quinn, not that I am not pleased you've assisted me in getting those Neanderthals off my back, but you're not usually the first person to come to my defense. Ordinarily, you would be laughing along with everyone else to watch me all sprawled on the floor."

I flinched. "Yeah well I want to turn over a new leaf. I decided I don't want to be that girl anymore. It hasn't gotten me very far."

Her lips were pursed as she deliberated whether or not to believe me. I knew she was leaning towards believing me as she wanted to believe the best in everyone even when they really didn't deserve it. "Why now?"

"Can't you just accept that I want a change?" It was frustrating with her sometimes. She needed an explanation for everything. "Prom was eye opening for me. I nearly ruined the whole night for myself. The worst part was that I could hardly care about the Finn of it all."

Her mouth opened and closed and it would've been comical if she weren't so shocked. "Wh-what? I thought you loved Finn."

So did I. "Finn was a mistake both times. I was trying to keep him to remain popular and to be prom queen. It didn't exactly work out in my favor." I told her as we collected her books and papers off the floor.

"I suppose not."

"I want to try being friends with you. I know I sort of blew that all to hell during the time leading up to regionals, but if you're willing I'd really like another shot."

I handed her the remainder of her belongings. "Thanks." There was that divot between her brows. "Well I'm always in support of giving someone second or fourth chances."

"You won't regret this. I better finish at my locker, or else I'll be late for homeroom. Ms. Dawson wouldn't like that." She was infamous for handing out detentions for tardies.

"See you at morning rehearsal."

Rachel Berry had no idea what was coming her way. She gave me the opening, and I was going to take it. Second or fourth chances didn't come around every day.


	2. Chapter 2

_God, I don't remember any of this stuff._

I stared at my pre-calc homework, trying desperately to recall that which I had forgotten. Some of it was somewhat familiar, but I hadn't taken a math class since my first year at Yale. It was unnecessary after that with my theater major.

After we returned from Nationals, I had a few days to get myself into shape for my exams. The others I wasn't as concerned about. Chemistry would be a little touch, but for some reason a lot of that had stuck with me.

Getting pregnant while not ideal taught me that there were more important things than popularity and power, and while my actions at the beginning of the school year spoke differently, I spent a significant amount of time on my schoolwork. It was important for me to maintain my GPA I worked tirelessly to boost.

At this point in time the first time round, I had no idea where I wanted to attend college. Everyone was already talking about future plans. Kurt and Rachel had stars in their eyes, S was planning on a cheerleading scholarship, Britt well someone would need to intervene to help her pass. Although she secretly turned out to be a math genius. No one saw that coming.

Yale became the goal after I figured out what I wanted to do. This time I wouldn't try and ruin Shelby's life, and I would keep Puck far away from her. That was one incestuous entanglement we could all live without.

I reviewed my notes once again and reread the chapter in my textbook. It worked in my favor that my notes were thorough. Eventually, my homework was finished and I sighed in relief. The textbook had the correct answers for our problems at the end, and I was satisfied to know I had only missed one problem. Math wasn't my best subject, but I did my best to excel. I dedicated several hours to studying so I could maintain my 4.0 GPA.

Once the torture I called math homework was complete, I slammed shut my textbook. I was thankful for my foresight in taking the SAT the previous month. I wasn't sure I could sit through that again.

I set my thoughts to planning instead for the future. I had seen enough time travel movies to know changing too much resulted in major unforeseen changes. I wanted to keep events at least a bit closer to how they were originally.

Obviously, I was going to do everything within my power to keep Finn and Rachel from rekindling their relationship. That was a teen drama we didn't need. I don't think I could spend another lifetime watching them making googly eyes or attempting to talk Rachel out of teen marriage.

I knew my interaction with her in the hallway this morning would change the dynamics of our currently established relationship, but it was all for the best. We both screwed up where our tentative friendship was concerned, and it was probably a contributing why neither of us was willing to bridge the gap between us.

The first half of my plan involved changing the events surrounding Nationals. We lost focus in the glamor of the city and concentrated on the wrong things resulting in us being ill-prepared for the competition. While songwriting was a strong suit of ours, we had work to do on our overall presentation.

Booty camp was a surprisingly good idea on the behalf of Mr. Schue, but instead of singling out specific members of the club, he should've made it mandatory for all members. He was part of the reason for all the separation issues our senior year as he never gave others a chance to shine. While Rachel had a lot of talent, she wasn't the only star. I would have to talk with her about that. She was all about being a team player, and I think she would agree to set aside a number for the members of our group who felt neglected.

One of the things I would have to do in New York was to attach myself to her side to prevent Finn from having any real access to her outside of songwriting. He romanced in New York and used it as a way to get closer to her as he knew her fondness for the city.

The kiss that broke the Glee club was also another moment I couldn't bear to repeat again. At the time, I thought the pang in my heart was because of how quickly Finn moved back to her, but it was later I realized it was about her.

I did think it was important our group primarily focus on our performance. I wasn't sure we had what it takes to make it into the top ten this year as we still had a lot of issues to work through. We had raw talent, however that can only carry a group so far. We exhausted that in these first two years; next year needed to be spent refining our performances. Perhaps I could even talk to Mr. Schue about rehearsing during the summer like sports teams did.

Maybe I could also write a duet with Rachel, or use a song I had written about her. It would save the group some time and we wouldn't have to worry about the second performance.

My other obstacle was Puck. I knew he still harbored feelings for me, but I had to make him understand nothing would ever come of them. I wasn't into him the same way. I loved him as he was my child's father, but that was the only reason. He wasn't a horrible person even if sometimes I resented him for what transpired. I was just as much to blame for what happened as I didn't have to accept the wine coolers. It was a cluster fuck.

Switching gears, I moved back to Rachel. I had to be careful with her as she was still cautious of my motivations. At this point, she probably suspected I was planning something similar to regionals.

I wanted to start out as her friend. While I knew quite a few things about her, I didn't know everything. I did know she was a vegan and her room was soundproofed after neighbors complained. What I didn't know the first time was how she craved the presence of a mother, and Shelby continuously pushed her away unable to get over herself. Rachel suffered when her mother came back and I didn't help the matter.

The situation wasn't fair to her, but I did have to think about what was best for my daughter. I knew Rachel didn't begrudge me that, well mostly. She was somewhat resentful. I would be too.

Rachel had also stopped posting on MySpace, one because she realized no one used the platform anymore and two, she was suffering from far too much abuse on the site to really draw any positive attention to herself. I was to blame for how many of the kids treated her. It made me want to be sick to know the sort of taunts I directed at her and all the ways I dehumanized her.

I really was a pressed lemon.

This time everything would be different. For starters, I was going to use the summer to work on myself and my relationship with my mother and fellow glee clubbers. I would stay far away from the Skanks as that only got me into trouble.

There were a lot of things I couldn't remember either as so much time had passed. Some things remained fresh in my memory as if they happened yesterday, while some of the lesser important moments faded with time. It wasn't a huge concern.

Most of this year was imprinted on my memory as it seemed new problems arose each week. I thought junior year would be a better year for me after shedding the baby weight and reclaiming my position at the top of the food chain. Those plans went awry from the very beginning when Rachel and Finn encouraged me to date Finn, Sue tried to shoot Britt out of a cannon and force us to choose a team, and then with Finn's ultimate pursuit of me.

It all happened quickly and it was hard to sort out what precipitated what. We had all been more than a little horrible to each other with backstabbing, lies, and cheating. In the present, we laughed about how silly we all were. We were all going through the same things, yet believed we were so different from one another.

At this point, I had just gotten over Santana giving me mono and getting with my ex, not that it worked out in her favor. Sam and Mercedes were heading towards something.

Maybe I could talk with him about lodging with a member of the club next school year so that he didn't have to leave McKinley and work at a strip club.

There was no way to stop Lauren from quitting after nationals. She was in the club for the numbers and for whatever relationship her and Puck shared. We would have to work on maintaining numbers in our group as it was fragile. Everyone knew that we barely ever had enough to compete, which was why it was necessary to keep our group whole.

Luckily, Karofsky was done bullying Kurt. He was far too afraid what Kurt knew about him would get out. With Kurt back, we would get Blaine the following school year. It was a plus for us and we needed more male leads. He was very talented and had stage presence.

Next year was going to shake things up for all of us. Santana would be outed as a result of political campaigns, but she finally owned up to her feelings for Britt. Santana was going to give me so much shit after I come out and if I end up with Rachel, it'll never end. Although I knew she secretly cared about Rachel too.

The next thirty minutes were spent in my room devising a plan of action. I was well aware that I couldn't just start changing things to suit my own needs. Everything had to be gradual. _I will take my opportunities where I can get them._

_Then there's the whole Finn never wants Rachel until he can't have her. Jesse St. Asshole is still fishing around. Rachel really knows how to pick them._ Rachel and I did share a few love interests Finn, Puck, and Sam. _It is kind of gross how most of us dated the same people._ Holly Holiday may have made a valid point.

My head lowered to my desk with a tired groan. There was so much to do in order to preserve our club and keep Finn and Rachel apart.

My mother was finishing up dinner downstairs. I could hear her as she hummed out of tune to the radio. She liked oldies stations.

"Quinnie!" She called up to me. I knew that it meant it was time for me to join her for dinner. "Dinner."

Dinner was good. My mom made meatloaf with mashed potatoes and green beans. "How was school?"

"It was okay." I knew when I eventually came out to my mother, it would be a slight adjustment for her in the beginning, but she quickly came to accept me. She had already lost me in the past and didn't want to do so again. "Things are bit tense in glee."

My mother's interest was piqued. "What's going on?"

I swirled my mashed potatoes. "Well to be honest we inter-date a lot. I'm sure you've noticed." It hadn't escaped my mother's noticed all the boys I dated were in glee with me. "There have been a lot of break ups and some mistrust. Then there's the internal competition between members of our club."

"Internal competition?" My mom didn't know much about the club. I hadn't shared with her. I felt bad about it now as I could see how much she craved to know the details of my life.

"Mr. Schue allowed this kid Jesse to talk him into basically picking a star performer to center our performances around. Four of members signed up to audition. I heard the best was Rachel-"

"That's the little Jewish girl, right?"

Most people might've assumed my mom meant that offensively, but she didn't really know any of my club members. I had talked about Rachel, but aside from mentioning her talent, it was usually scathing.

"Yes, she's one of the most talented people in our club. She's been taking lessons her whole life so it makes sense. She's a bit egotistical. She's not alone in that though as Mercedes, Santana, and Kurt are right there next to her. Jesse favored Rachel in their auditions, but then Mr. Schue decided not to go that route as he thought it showed favoritism and wanted to showcase all members of our group."

One of his problems was that while he was helping us, he was also trying to relive his own glory days at the same time. He was messy in not only his school life but his personal one as well, which in turn affected us. He meant well but he needed to get it together.

"That sounds fair."

"Not really, I get he really wants to give us all a chance to shine, but the way he chooses people isn't right. It would be more fair to have us audition than just picking. Rachel gets a lot of flack since he picks her the most. A lot of the glee clubbers are jealous and bitter, but it's not her fault that he picks her."

Mom knew enough about me to know I wasn't usually one to support Rachel. I complained about her often enough so it came as no surprise when she lifted a curious brow and stared at me perplexed by my defense of someone I once titled the enemy. "This is unlike you I must say. It's not bad, but you've changed your tune where this girl is concerned."

My eyes dropped to my plate as I debated whether or not to drop the bomb on her. I knew what her reaction would be so it didn't bother me too much. I had drawn too much suspicion to myself. "Mom?"

Her eyes were glued to me. "Is there something wrong?"

Kurt had it easy. At least his dad already knew. "Mom, I have to be honest." I squeezed my eyes shut. "I'm gay."

"What?"

"I like girls."

Her fork fell with a clang as she sat back in her chair and stared at me. I figured it was easier to do this now rather than later. I didn't want to live with anymore lies or pretenses in my life. I did that enough last time.

"I see. It's not a phase?" I shook my head. "How long have you… have you been this way?"

It could've gone worse.

"I've always liked girls."

"You dated boys."

I dropped my eyes to my lap as she was right. I had never shown any indication I wasn't into boys. "I pretended. It was easier and dad would've hated me."

Her face softened as she knew how conservative my father was. If he knew I was gay, he would've kicked me out long before I was pregnant or sent me to one of those conversion places.

"Why are you telling me now?"

"I don't want to lie about who I am anymore. I've been unhappy mom pretending to be this perfect Barbie. I never realized I wasn't comfortable in my own skin. I see Kurt and his boyfriend, and I envy them. They get to be out and don't feel shame for who they are."

She hadn't run or told me to leave, which I took as a positive sign. "Does this have to do with Rachel?"

So she did know how to put the pieces together.

"Yeah… not that she really knows. She thinks I want Finn."

"At least your taste in girls is better than your choice in guys."

I snorted. "You do make a point."

"Do you know I suspected you might be?"

I stared at her in shock. What was she talking about? Last time she never said anything like this. "What do you mean?"

"Do you remember your first day of high school?"

"Vaguely," it was the truth. I remembered it was the first day I felt powerful and I exercised that power on all the kids I viewed as beneath me.

"You came home ranting about a girl name Rachel Berry. You said how much you hated her and how annoying she was. You talked about her for months even though you weren't even friends; all you did was talk about how smart she was and how she joined every club as if it would make her popular. What really struck me was when you talked about Rachel's clothes, while you made mention of your dislike for her animal sweaters, it was her skirts which you focused your attention on. You spoke about how indecently she dressed, but there was this look in your eyes as if you didn't mind so much. I suspected something, but there was your father."

He was the ultimate hypocrite. He preached about virtue, family, and fidelity. He insulted everyone, yet he was the biggest sinner of all of us.

"Honey, it's not for me to tell you what you are. Your father did enough of that for us, and I thought it better for you to discover who you are yourself. Besides, I don't think you would've taken it well had I told you this before now. You had a lot of issues, and your father had you believing gay people were evil."

"I suppose you're right. We didn't have that kind of relationship. I would've panicked and done something stupider. I wasn't ready then to accept my sexuality."

"Have you accepted it?"

I nodded. "Yeah, and I'm fine with it. I know that the Bible condemns homosexuality as it goes against the tradition of a woman and a man, but it seems a bit hypocritical. There's nothing wrong with loving someone. As a Christian we are taught to love pretty much everyone. And it is not up to us to judge in the long run anyways."

My mom grinned at me with pride in her eyes. "I'm glad that you never took any of your father's words to heart. He has strong views on the subject, but that is his problem not ours. My parents taught me to be open minded. Your father is a bigot, and for a while I listened to everything he said. What finally made me realize that he was wrong was when he kicked you out of this house." Her eyes dimmed with sadness, and I reached across the table to squeeze her hand in a display of solidarity.

I knew she still felt guilty even years later for allowing him to kick me out of the house.

"He's a jerk. The Bible also condemns fornicators but look at him and his tattooed freak." Mom snorted into her napkin.

"Yes there is that." The rest of the dinner conversation was much lighter. In a way, I was lighter after getting that particular revelation off my chest. It was still a nerve-wracking experience even though I had done it already.

I volunteered to do the dishes after dinner. Mom had done all the cooking today and did the dishes after breakfast. It bothered me I hadn't appreciated her as much until I was older.

* * *

After I finished with the clean up, I kissed my mom goodnight and headed up to my room. I needed some space to think and my mom would've wanted to talk about everything. I wasn't at that stage with this version of her.

My mom had thrown me for a major loop. It was a hurdle I was glad to have out of the way, while I was relieved, there were still so many other obstacles to worry about.

I knew Rachel at the very least had a tiny crush on me. Kurt revealed as much once when he was drunk and we somehow ended on the topic of Rachel not being as straight as an arrow. He told me if I had known I was gay back in high school, Rachel would've been more than willing to date me.

Then I had to talk to Santana and work on patching things up in our relationship as we both seriously screwed one another over out of sheer pettiness and jealousy. In the process of hurting each other, we hurt others and that was far worse. Sam was a casualty of both of our actions.

There was Mercedes as well. In my bid to climb up the hierarchy I forgot about the one person who was really there for me when I needed it. She offered up her house to me even though I had no way of repaying her family's kindness. It didn't bother her either that someone who had never been nice to her was suddenly living in her house. We discovered we had a few things in common.

She was a little hurt when I willingly moved back home, but she understood that I needed to fix things with my mom. We hadn't spent much time together this year as I was too busy scheming to get my way. "Ugh."

I had a lot fix. Maybe it wasn't just about a second chance with Rachel at all.


	3. Chapter 3

Glee rehearsal the following morning made me want to pull out my own hair. As usual around competition time we descended into multiple arguments about what we should sing, who should sing, and our routines. I felt for Britt and Mike as they were forced to quickly create dance routines to match our songs.

There was a reason we hadn't won until our senior year. We put a lot of work and effort into cleaning up our errors and perfecting every little detail. We also had Coach Sylvester helping us. It was amazing what a difference it all made for our team in the long run.

I sat in my usual spot on the risers with my arms crossed watching as Rachel, Santana, Mercedes, and Kurt duked it out. Finn and Mr. Schue were in some sort of little huddle, while Tina worked on our costumes. One of the changes Mr. Schue made was to have us pay dues for costumes. Much of our budget went to our traveling fees, especially this particular trip as we had to fly to New York and pay for accommodations. The club covered lunches and dinners, but everything else we were left to cover ourselves.

"Tina, do you need any help?" I felt for her constantly getting stuck with our costume duties. It helped when we had underclassmen members next year to shoulder some of the responsibility.

She stared at me as if my offering was some kind of prank. "Uh sure, Quinn. There are a few dresses I have to finish the alterations for, and some of the guys' pants needed to be properly fitted."

When the warning bell rang twenty minutes later, we had made some progress on fishing the dresses and we would work on the boys' pants at the afterschool rehearsal. "Thanks again Quinn. It can get fairly stressful."

"No problem Tina, we are teammates." She looked at me strangely, shrugged and then headed to her class.

"Nice of you to show up Quinn, detention at lunch." Ms. Dawson had it out for me ever since I pointed out she incorrectly interpreted a passage. I slid into my seat and took out my belongings.

I barely listened as she droned on about our upcoming final. She was one of those teachers who never showed a movie unless it was old and boring. We had watched Oedipus Rex from last century and the entire class could be heard snoring.

In two more days, I would haven't to worry about her for a few days. I would be in New York. While I had visited the city on numerous occasions and had an apartment in the city, I still enjoyed each trip. There was always something happening in the city.

There was only one year left of Lima and then I could go out into the world. I was definitely ready for the day where I wouldn't have to call this place home. It wasn't the worst place a person could live, but it wasn't full of opportunity either. Most of the people here never left. It was the way of small towns.

By the time I dropped into my seat in history, I was ready for the school day to end. I was reminded of how much I detested high school. The teachers lacked interest in what they were teaching aside from a few and I didn't care for most of these subjects. It was the worst part about repeating all of this was that I had done it in another life.

"Hey Quinn," my head snapped up and met dazzling pools of melted chocolate.

"R-r-Rachel."

"Are you alright? Are you choking? Should I perform CPR?" Her eyes sparkled with mirth. I didn't know she knew how to make a joke. She was usually so serious.

I smirked at her. "Funny."

She took the seat beside me. I forgot that we were in the same class. I was in a daze yesterday and hadn't given my surroundings much notice. "I saw you helped Tina earlier. That was nice of you." She tucked a loose strand behind her ear. It was one of her nervous ticks, not that she'd say it.

"Oh well," I shrugged uncomfortably. "I figured she needed some help and no one else was offering."

Rachel hummed appreciatively. "You don't have to defend yourself to me Quinn. I know you can be a good person even if some of the kids here are frightened of you."

"Do I frighten you?" Our faces were fairly close despite the foot between our desks.

"N-n-noo," she stammered. "I mean no. I know who you are deep down. The things they say are unforgiving, but I know better than them."

"I suppose you do," I pulled away.

Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw her pull out her school things and meticulously organize them on her desk. I shook my head, typical Rachel. "If you were as cruel as they think and say you are, you would've never apologized after smacking me."

Guilt flooded me at the mention of the bathroom incident. Aside from Santana, I had never hit another person. Rachel had been completely undeserving of my anger, but it was easier to take it out on her than with myself. "I really am sorry for how I behaved that night. You didn't deserve it."

"Maybe a little," she admitted. "I mean your date did start a fight with my date over me."

I giggled. "Okay a little then."

"So you did mean it when you said you wanted us to be friends?" I nodded. "Well would you like to come over tonight? Mercedes and Kurt are coming. We are having a little sleepover. We are under a lot of stress and it's getting to all of us."

Contrary to popular belief I had never been invited to a sleepover. Santana and I were more frenemies than anything so I never trusted her not to do something to me while I was asleep, besides she was always sneaking off with Brittany. I was a third wheel and used as an excuse so they could spend time together. "Are you sure? Will they mind?"

"Mercedes said she's cool with it, and Kurt said it was up to me."

I wasn't expecting that. I knew Mercedes wouldn't take issue, but Kurt and I weren't really friends. He tolerated me while his stepbrother and I dated, but told me he knew I was using Finn for popularity points.

"I'll have to ask my mom."

Her mouth widened into a radiant smile. She was beautiful. I don't know how I could ever think otherwise. Her hair was dark, the way I preferred it. She hadn't changed up her look completely, although she had finally gotten rid of her horrible animal sweaters.

One of the reasons Rachel and I fell of contact was her constant need for outside approval. She transformed into someone I didn't know our freshman year. I knew Kurt was partly to blame for her make-over, but a lot of it went to her head as well. I liked her the way she was, and it saddened me she didn't.

All of the people whoever bullied her were to blame for why it took her such a longtime to be satisfied with who she was. Who were we to judge her? We weren't any better than her, but we were worse. Despite everything, it took a lot for her to sink to our level as she generally preferred to take the high road. I knew high school was hard for her and she shed a lot of tears throughout her time in these halls.

Last year after my first slushy bath, I walked into the bathroom to clean up and there she was crying.

The glistening tears on her cheeks, the rosy flush of her cheeks, and the puffiness under eyes showed me she wasn't as impervious as I previously thought. She mostly ignored me, but gave me a few tips about removing stains and washing my hair.

It was hard not to feel evil when faced with the direct aftermath of your actions. While Rachel would've been bullied either way, she wouldn't have been such a huge target if not for me. I viciously and aggressively went out of my way to bully and attack her, relished in the way she flinched as I taunted her with a fresh slushy, and delighted in watching her shiver and walk away when it was done. I was a real tormenter, and until I was on the other side of things never gave a second thought to what I was doing. The worst part was prior to high school I knew what it was like to be Rachel, yet I still became exactly like the people who teased me.

I couldn't say whether or not that made me worse. It was an interesting juxtaposition and unique as I wasn't sure how many people went on to become the person they hated.

"We are going to watch a movie today. We have next week to review and only a few of you in here have to take the final."

He put on _National Treasure_. I decided to use the opportunity to text my mom and asked her about tonight.

**Sure, but don't forget you have therapy at 4.**

I forgot all about my therapy sessions. My mom thought it would help if I had someone impartial to talk to about last year. She knew I resented her for siding with my dad and thought if I couldn't/wouldn't talk with her then perhaps a third party was needed to help me sort out my thoughts and feelings.

Sarah was nice. She never judged and told me all of my feelings were valid. It was normal to feel relieved and sad about giving up my child, but that I also had to consider myself in the equation.

"Psst… Rachel?"

She was sulking. She had the cutest pout on her face. I knew she hated when teachers played movies instead of teaching at the end of year. She accused them of laziness and simply not wanting to do the job they were hired to do, as it was easier to pop in a disc and sit back and do nothing.

She turned towards me with downturned lips. "You're adorable when you pout." I spoke quickly after it registered to me what I said to her. "My mom said it was fine. I'll come over after my mom appointment."

"Is everything alright?" I knew I was vague, but I didn't feel comfortable telling people I saw a therapist.

Rachel did too. She told Shelby otherwise to prevent her from feeling worse about leaving Rachel the way she did. It took her a long time to stop blaming herself and to accept that it was on Shelby. I knew she would understand if I did tell her.

I waved off her concern and figured I'd tell her another time. "Yeah, it's nothing major. I promise."

"Are you excited about Nationals?"

"Honestly, I'm happy we've even made it this far given everything we've gone through in these last two years. It seems amazing a bunch of misfits have been able to get this far in such little time when Vocal Adrenaline has worked for years to get as far as they have. Although I've heard they've been struggling as of late with- their old coach gone."

She smiled sadly. "It's okay to say her name Quinn. It's not secret that our reunion did not pan out the way I anticipated, but at least I had the opportunity to meet her. While I was ultimately disappointed by the end result, it's whatever."

I knew she was lying through her teeth. She was in a world of pain when it came to Shelby. It was different when we her classmates and fellow club members rejected her, but it was a wholly different thing to discover your own mother didn't want you. Whatever Shelby said on the matter, it didn't erase the feelings of abandonment.

"Look Shelby sucks and it's her problem not yours."

Rachel's mouth fell open and she gaped like a fish. "W-w-well y-yeah I suppose you're right."

While the woman was a devoted and loving mother to Beth, she was the exact opposite to Rachel. She popped in and out of the girl's life with no regard to how it made Rachel feel. I grabbed her arm. "I mean it. I know letting her adopt my baby hurt you, but I did it for my child. I'm sure in Shelby's own way, she thought she was doing what was right for you then and now." I did believe that. She was a mother.

"Thanks Quinn, I appreciate you saying that."

"I mean it. Shelby has her own issues and if she can't recognize what a treasure she has here then it's her loss. She will realize it one day, but by then it'll be too late."

"Why do you care?"

I really wish I hadn't been such a bitch to everyone. It was tiring having my motives questioned at every turn. "Losing prom queen was a low moment for me, yet you went out of your way to track me down to try and make me feel better about it. No one has done that for me. You're nice to people when they bully you or walk all over you. You were willing to take back Finn even after the Valentine's Day fiasco. You wanted to forgive him, but Rachel you shouldn't. First loves aren't always forever. You should really think about what it is you want."

Her brows furrowed and she looked at me as if I were a pariah. "What?"

"It's well I uh don't think I've heard you say so many words since I've known you. You were articulate and made some valid points."

My face warmed. I thanked God for it being too dark in the classroom for her to notice the pink in my cheeks. "I meant it. Finn wants you back. This isn't about me wanting him either as I really don't. Who wants someone who is always looking to the next person when they get what they think they want?"

Finn pursued me for no reason other than he couldn't have me and he was unwilling to forgive Rachel for her indiscretion with Puck last fall. It put the club in an awkward situation.

"I wasn't planning on taking him back."

While she says that, I knew better. She was a girl with grand romantic notions about how her life would look in the future. "If you do-" she opened her mouth, but I cut her off. "If you do get back with him then make sure you're doing it for the right reasons. Loving a person doesn't make them the right choice for you."

Rachel sighed and nodded. "I don't understand what has changed anyways. Last time we talked about anything of a romantic nature, he informed me kissing you was like fireworks and he didn't feel that with me." I heard about her performance at Breadsticks and wondered if that's where she drew her inspiration. "He said he could never forgive me for the Puck thing. He was betrayed as you know…well you had cheated on him with his best friend. I'm not sure how well he fits into my plans these days."

At least she was giving it some serious thought instead of allowing herself to get caught up in a moment. "Why are you so calm? Normally you'd find some way to blame me and plot to take Finn back."

My shoulders slumped at the accurate characterization of my teenaged self. She was eager to be with Finn for all the wrong reasons. "Finn isn't my type. That's all I'm willing to say on the subject. I don't want and never really did."

I knew she was curious and wanted to know more on this particular development, but she had gained enough tact throughout her time in glee to know when an avenue was closed to her. I was proud of her for not prying into my business. Though I didn't worry about my mother's reaction, there was still McKinley and Lima. It wasn't that big and truth be told I wasn't comfortable with everybody knowing at the moment.

"Do you want me to bring anything tonight?" I transitioned back to a safer topic.

"Just yourself. I've got snacks. There are non vegan ones too. My dads aren't vegan. There aren't over the top performances either. We listen to music, do our hair, gossip, that sort of thing."

It was normal for the three of them. I was somewhat mortified that when I pictured them having sleepovers that it did involved images of them utilizing the stage in Rachel's basement to have a diva off.

"Okay."

I didn't see Rachel again until rehearsal as we only shared the one class. I had to serve a lunch detention with Ms. Dawson so there was no chance there.

Rehearsal didn't go much better than any of our previous ones over the last few weeks. Brittany and Mark were working on some choreography, and Mercedes, Kurt and I helped Tina with the costumes. They were coming along and should be done by the end of tomorrow's afternoon rehearsal.

All I had between me and a night with Rachel was a session with my therapist.


End file.
